Betty Eagleton Eyes

Betty swings from grieving for Seth to being annoyed with him for dying. It couldn't really be helped Betty, you have to admit. Everyone is sad and offers their condolensces. Cue loads and loads and loads more reminiscing zzzzz. Kathy hangs about a bit longer then vanishes after her contracted three episodes. She is very annoying and I can see why they got rid of her in the first place. Lurvegod keeps banging on about the funeral; Betty tells him Seth despised organised religion and that he thought all vicars and priests were child-molesting perverts. Well, maybe not the last bit. Lurvegod reckons she is just upset and will come around to the idea eventually. Oh do one, Lurvegod you irritating, patronising tosspot. Betty eventually agrees to have Seth cremated but then changes her mind at the last minute and says she wants him buried. Biff arrives for his one-episode appearance and tells Betty to sort herself out and do Seth proud etc. It must be so humiliating coming back for just a few scenes and not even your own storyline - it really does show how desperate the actors are for work.

Laurel is sad about Seth; Non-Brace Face is more bothered about organising Laurel's wedding. She gets loads of magazines in and hires a wedding planner who looks really familiar. Non BF and Emily Bunter bang on about dresses and flowers; Ivan the Engine appears and reveals he knows all about flower arranging. He is so gay, and clearly destined to be TOGIV's bum-chum in a future 'shocking' storyline. Laurel is not interested and ends up offending the wedding planner, who leaves. Non Brace Face throws an eppy and Laurel snaps and tells her to bugger off and let her grieve her faux-Grandad in peace. NBF stomps out but later feels guilty and apologies.

Up at the Dingles, Debbeh wants to go to a party and drink Diamond White like normal teenagers. Lisa isn't having any of it and tells Debbeh she needs to start taking responsibility of Seruh, instead of dumping her on Emily Bunter. Emily says she doesn't mind, as she has no other storylines. Debbeh throws a strop and goes to the party anyway. Dazz is there and sees her getting off with some random bloke; he assumes she will end up preggers again and runs off to get Lisa who storms in and drags Debbeh home by her ear, The Beano-style. She tells poor Debbeh one more 'stunt' like that (what, a 17 year old going to a party?) and she'll have to give up school and be a full-time loser like the rest of them. Debbeh is all 'NOOOOOOOO', but later Lisa finds out she's been bunking and decides that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Debbeh is sad, and totally hates Dazz for grassing her up.

Meanwhile Marilyn is still having a hilarious time looking after Victoria and Kare-leh and flirting with Kare-leh's dad. Things take a turn for the worst, however, when Marilyn decides to plaster the kids in make-up and dress them up in mini-skirts and boob-tubes. Copper dad walks in just as Marilyn is demonstrating how to work the lane, and orders Kare-leh 'ome. Marilyn points out that wearing make-up/acting like a ho is what all teenage girls do but Copper dad is having none of it and stomps off in a huff. He later apologises and asks Marilyn out to dinner; she tries to play hard-to-get but TOGIV ruins it with a few Frankie Howard style double-entendres. Marilyn agrees to dinner - oh dear, could this be yet more love woe on the horizon for our favourite blonde aussie barmaid?

More Betty grief/reminiscing in t'Woolleh. Betty chats to Zak and suddenly all the Dingles start acting shiftily. Whatever could be happening? The day of the funeral arrives - Lurvegod arrives with the funeral cortege and Betty is all "ok , here's the coffin, see ya!" LG is suspicious, but leads everyone off to church for the service. Betty hangs about at the back and then legs it with Laurel. They drive over to Home Farm, where Zack and Spack are hanging about with the real Seth coffin. It's all a bit Weekend At Bernie's. Anyway, Z and S have dug a big hole and they lob Seth in it - apparently the farm grounds are his spriritual home. Betty says a few words and they all cry. I bet the Kings will be impressed - bad enough KY was kebabbed, now they have to contend with the rotting corpse of an old man in their garden. Laurel decides it's time to live for the moment and later tells LG she wants to get married TOMORROW! Oh joy.

Monkey Gone To Heaven

Laurel is still ecstatic about finally being able to marry/shag Lurvegod, as she was getting bored of clandestine flicking. Brace Face (who no longer has a brace but will retain the nickname for the time being) tries to plan it all out with help from Emily Bunter (who is preggers IRL, I've just noticed); Laurel goes along with it for a while but eventually tells them both to butt out, in her loveable, non-threatening Laurel way. Lurvegod is fannying about being sactimonious/annoying to his parish. You're too good for him Laurel!

Marilyn has been having a jolly time looking after Victoria whilst OldSkool and St Diane are on holiday. She takes her to karate class and ends up having a go herself against Victoria's mate's dad - who turns out to be a copper. He and Marilyn flirt and wrestle, and spend the rest of the week 'accidentally' bumping into each other. Victorian and mate decide they fancy each other. (Marilyn and Copper, that is). Anyway, it's all going swimmingly until Marilyn decides she needs some 'me' time and dumps the kids on Gruey, who then dumps them on Dazz. Dazz takes them round to the Dingles, where he and Debbeh tell not-very scary ghost stories which shits Victoria and her mate up big-time. Copper dad isn't impressed that his daughter might have to go in to therapy and has a go at Marilyn.

Del is still flirting with Friv King, and being the perfect 'fun older sis' mother figure to his annoying bratkids. Friv thinks Del is up for it, until she lets slip she is only after putting up his curtains (not a metaphor). Friv is annoyed, then Del reveals that DESPITE ALL THAT she does genuinely like him and carries on the maternal/big sis act. Friv squints his eyes and looks like a spastic.

Kelly and Retard King are still continuing their secret, porno-style fling. However, after an hour of reverse-cowgirl Kelly suddenly cottons on that Retard is only using her for sex and is embarassed to be seen with her in public. She gets upset - having clearly forgotten last week she was re-enacting Madonna's Like A Prayer vid with Father Dougal - and Retard swears he isn't using her and promises to drop her off at her door next time, rather than in a neighbouring county. Kelly is pleased and later smirks at Patsy. Oh that's just cruel Kelly, you know Patsy can't make her face do that!

The big story this week, of course, is the death of Seth. Deary me, too much dying in the dales at t'moment - first Peggy the dog, then KY and now doddery old cliché Seth. Anyway the build up for it is HUGE - Kathy leaves a message on Betty's ansafone - we actually hear it so we know the actress is coming back, after an abortive pop career and endless panto. She says she and Seth are coming back 'ome; Betty is all excited and tells the entire village. Cue much reminiscing in t'Wooleh about Seth's mischievous ways and what a LAUGH he is - actually he was quite annoying. Spack is more excited about Kathy coming back and bangs on and on to Spackette about how great Kathy is and how pretty Kathy is and how he really loves Kathy. Spackette looks downcast with her lego-man hair - you really should have twatted him for that, love. Betty and Laurel later go to the airport to meet the returning characters. Betty gets all dressed up and they hang about for ages before hearing a message over tannoy asking for them to go to a special room. Inside the special room is Kathy, who appears to be wearing a jumper made out of a tree. She explains that Seth karked it whilst they were in the air and is now in the mortuary. Betty is shocked, Laurel doesn't say anything, I'd forgotten how whiny Kathy's voice is. Betty then gets all,annoyed and starts shouting about how Seth let her down, how selfish he was etc. It's quite touching. They all go back t'Woolleh where there is a big 'WELCOME HOME SETH' banner outside, just to really rub t'salt in t'wound. Betty goes in and tells everyone Seth is dead. Everyone is shocked/sombre. Kathy blends into the foliage.

Losing My Religion

The fall of Father Dougal continues apace this week. After being rebuffed by Laural, Dougal decides to get pissed on communion wine in the church. Viv and Kelly walk in and see him stumbling about with red wine lips; Viv is shocked and rushes off to tell the entire village, Kelly is horny and soon Dougal is taking her roughly from behind on the floor. Oh the sacrilege! Laurel walks in on them and runs off screaming. Kelly is completely naked, wherease Dougal seems to have just unbuttoned his shirt a bit. Dougal calls Kelly a Bucket Fanny and tells her to piss off. Kelly is offended and tells Dougal he is a hypocrite as he was gagging for it too. Dougal is perturbed and also developing a really bad hangover.

Soon the entire village is gossiping about Dougal getting drunk!! Kelly starts a rumour that he and Laurel are 'more than just friends'. Evil Edna phones the Bishop, who comes rushing down to confront Dougal about his shocking behaviour. Dougal lies through his teeth and says Laurel came on to him, it was all her fault, she's been persuing him for months etc, conveniently missing out the rutting Kelly part. The Bishop has a go at poor Laurel while Dougal stands by and looks conflicted. He really has got a shit David Soul style haircut. Soon the village are all talking about Laurel being a harlot, and even Brace Face believes Laurel was so gagging for it after LurveGod's sex-ban she would have even slept with Shadrach if she had to. Laurel is totally victimised but Betty stands up for her and has a go at everyone else for being total c*nts.

Spack and Spackette are still worrying about Spackette's test results but haven't told anyone; instead they just lurch about like residents at a day centre. Zak has decided to go and catch a legendary big fish using the netting from a goalpost. He ropes Spack, Wino and Marlon into help. They use Marlon's vol-au-vents as bait. Shadrach falls in the river. This is all so hilarious I can barely continue writing about it, so I won't.

Furrowed continues to lust after Botox Beauty Patsy. He insists they are doing nothing wrong and that they should just give it a go. Patsy, well aware that this could really fuck up her chances of getting her mits on Old Man King's dosh, says no they mustn't. Furrowed does that weird, stary-eyed face that I think is supposed to represent 'annoyance' and stomps out in a huff. Patsy is conflicted. Meanwhile Frivolous is getting friendly with Del Dingle, who is manipulating him into signing a deal that allows her and Val to design his curtains. Phew, that took a while to type! Del shows off her mothering skills by playing football with Friv's kids (one of them is called Anya - didn't have Friv down as a Chekhov fan). Friv is impressed, but remembers to still be a bit upset over KY (no-one else is that bothered anymore). Retard's storyline has him drunk and depressed and bumping into Kelly, who is all upset over Dougal. Kelly slags off Patsy and makes Retard laugh inanely, so he whisks her off to a hotel where they get pissed on cocktails and shag in the bath. I wonder if Retard realises he is having Dougal's sloppy seconds. Anyway, Kelly agrees to be Retard's secret prozzy for a bit - well, that's a good way of boosting your self-worth Kelly! Patsy sees them snogging and tries to look annoyed, but her face muscles can't quite manage it.

LurveGod arrives back in the village and immediately bumps into Dougal, who again lies about Laurel being a slagg. LurveGod goes to confront Laurel who is all happy to see him until he tells her it's 'his fault' and he 'doesn't blame her'. Good one, LG. Laurel dumps him and moves out (to Betty's I presume, unless she's camping out by the cricket pavillion), LurveGod realises what a lying bitch Dougal is and has a go at him. Dougal still doesn't fess up but looks a bit guilty. Later, LG is force-feeding calpol to Gabby, and when his back is turned she downs the whole bottle. I don't blame her, I used to love that stuff. LG, appalled at his awful parenting skills and complete shambolic life, rushes Gabby to hospital. Meanwhile, Dougal has invited the Bish down to watch him do the service. Conveniently the entire village is there, even though 90% of them aren't the slightest bit religious. Dougal fesses up big stylee, bangs on about Laurel being great, LG being OK and himself being a totally wasted character. Dougal leaves in shame while the Bishop hitches up his Desmond Tutu frock and races over to the hospital to find LurveGod. LG is still there and bumps into Laurel and Brace Face, who offer him support. He apologises again and Laurel is all "Like, whatevarr" (but in a nice way). Bish shows up, tells them about Dougal and apologises for being a knob to them. Loads of apologies this week! He gives them his blessing to marry; Laurel and LG snog happily and nearly crush Gabby. Brace Face hangs about wishing her screen wedding was coming up instead.

O Laurel (Don't Feel Sorry For Loverboy)

More King-size grief this week. Retard retrieves his spine and stands up to Old Man who almost chokes on the massive amount of phlegm building up in his throat. Retard dares to point out it's actually OMK's fault KY is no more. Furrowed is being the sensitive one this week, which means Frivolous has nothing to do and is therefore barely on screen at all. Patsy moons about the village pouting and showing off her expensive mourning outfits. OMK decides that Gruey needs to pay for KY so sets off up to Gruey Farm as fast as his walking stick will carry him. Gruey and Dazz are playing violent 18 cert shoot-em-ups on their playstation when Old Man stomps in, orders them out and then starts lamely chucking bits of furniture out of the door. We only ever see him pick up small boxes and chairs, yet we later cut to a scene outside where the massive dining table is clearly visible. I don't think frail OMK managed to chuck that out on his own. Gruey tries to reason with him, while Dazz keeps threatening to deck him. Gruey admits he feels guilty about KY getting stuck in between him and Auton, but Old Man is too busy trying to shoulder-barge Gruey's entire kitchen unit out of the door. Retard and OldSkool show up and try to reason with Old Man. The two Olds go for a chat and OldSkool basically blames the entire sorry mess on Old Man, who eventually accepts responsibility. OldSkool is turning into a bit of a Superhero of the Dales.

Val is let out on bail after St Diane grassed her up to the coppas. She acts all dignified and 'I vant to be left alone', and everyone has a go at St Diane, even OldSkool and TOGIV. St D is adamant she has done nothing wrong and Val had it coming (which she did) but still feels guilty. She tries the 'yeah but no but yeah but I've had cancer' argument but no one is having it. Crunch time arrives when St Diane is late getting Victoria to her karate and paedo-bashing class. Now her mothering skills are being questioned! It's all too much and St D breaks down dramatically, in front of everyone in t'Wooleh. (if it was in Eastenders someone will have no doubt turned down the volume on the dukebox as well). Just in the nick of time Marilyn returns from her holiday in Summer Bay and provides St D with a much needed shoulder to cry on. Marilyn is back a changed woman - stronger, meaner and no longer a victim after her affair with Furrowed. Hmm, let's see how long that lasts. She offers to look after that little shit Victoria while St D and OldSkool go on a glitzy swingers cruise. Sounds like fun!

Dingle news: Spackette is worried about having the big C and finally fesses up to Spack, who goes completely spackoid and can't handle it. On of his chickens dies or something, and he is convinced it is a bad omen. Then Wino Lushface Shadrach gets stung by a bee after eating some of Alice's strawberries and Spack decides it’s a good omen. No one really cares, Spacker. Also, Doughn sacks BritPop from the garage for skiving and then realises she now has no-one running the garage. Well done Doughn.

Brace Face Nicola allows Ivan The Engine to move into hers and Simple Simon's new house - she gives him a massive long list of houserules in an attempt to put him in his place. Ivan just smiles benignly. zzzz boring. Hopefully Ivan will start shagging Brace Face or Simon or even Sherrie Hewson in an attempt to make this plotline more interesting.

Billy Bunter starts surfing the web for fisting websites during his lunchhour. And starts using internet chatrooms as well. He hits it off with someone called NippleKlamp, who turns out to be Jer the receptionist messing about. Billy, being the annoying loser he is, starts talking about marriage and kids etc even though he has only spoken to this person ONLINE a couple of times. Oh it'll all end in tears I tell you.

Donna is still moping about her non-existent love affair with KY. She has decided to stick with Marlon but still bursts into tears every time someone mentions KY. It was quite touching at first but it's getting annoying now. Meanwhile Kelly is still after Father Dougal, who is still after Laurel who is still in love with LoveGod. LoveGod is off on a pilgrimage, so Dougal uses the opportunity to home in on poor clueless Laurel. She decides to throw an 80s party - an idea that might have been quite funny if more than FIVE people had shown up. They all sit around in 80s clothes, listening to Culture Club and playing Trivial Pursuit like the kkkkrazeee kids they are. Dougal shows up dressed as 'Faith' era George Michael. Heh. Laurel tries to matchmake him with Kelly (who is early-90s Madonna) but he gets annoyed and ends up calling Kelly a dirty pox-ridden whore. He storms out, Laurel follows him and he tells her that he lurves her. Laurel is shocked but briefly reciprocates when Dougal dives in for a snog. Laurel unvelcros her lips from Dougal and tells him she is LoveGod's piece, not his. Dougal is upset, and still dressed as George Michael.

Grief Is The Word

This week is all about the Kings and the aftermath of KY's fiery demise. Old Man King is still in shock and swings from refusing to believe it to breaking down in floods of tears. Retard doesn't know what to do and actually shows a bit of emotion, which must have been a stretch. Retard has nabbed the letter KY wrote to Billy Bunter exposing the Kings as ruthless backstabbers and bad actors; he shows it to Old Man who then starts slagging KY off. Honestly, what WILL it take for him to live poor KY alone? The whole village now knows as well and everyone is discussing it. Old Man King summons the rest of his off-spring (and Patsy) back to the village, without telling them why. Frivolous King and Furrowed King return from a holiday in France - oh so that's where they've been. Patsy appears to have been having some more work done, if her permanently expressionless face is anything to go by. F and F arrive in the village where Evil Edna offers them their condolences; cue extreme close-up on F and F looking confused/shocked. They leg it back to King Palace where Friv collapses dramatically, Retard and Old Man King cry, and Furrowed looks a bit put out. Patsy and her new line-free face wander in and she comforts Tom stiffly, whilst trying not to crease her new trouser suit.

Over at Sugden Farm, OldSkool and St Diane are trying to convince Victoria that Auton isn't dead and has just legged it instead. Victoria is all "But he would have said goodbye to me?"; St Diane and OldSkool; "Er..why? He didn't even like you." (they didn't put it quite like that - something about "we'll tell you why when you're older luv") Gruey hangs about showing off his black-eye then goes back to Gruey Farm to get annoyed by Dazz, who is more bothered about Debbeh and whether she is OK. She IS OK, more's the pity, and spends the week moping about wondering whether, despite shagging her just to spite his brother and telling her to her face he was never interested in her only her baby because it was Gruey's, Auton actually did love her. BritPop is suspicious of Debbeh's ever-changing moods and Emily goes all Rebecca De Mornay and won't let Debbeh anywhere near Suruh saying she is an unfit mother. Emily and BritPop really have flop-all interesting to do these days.

Donna spends the week inconsolable over KY's death. What?? She hardly knew him! She listens to a voicemail message he left her over and over again and convinces herself she was in love with him. Not hard when the alternative is marrying Gary Rhodes Dingle I suppose. Viv flaps about, insensitively banging on about the double wedding; there is a funny scene where everyone in t'Wooleh is miserable about KY and Viv invites them all to her's and Donna's mega tacky double wedding to 'cheer them up.' Heh. Donna eventually has a Falling Down moment where she goes in the store cupboard and starts screaming and throwing things at Kelly. Such a shame a large can of beans doesn't take Kelly's eye out and leave her screaming in agony and disfigured for life. Maybe she would start acting then. Bob evenutally 'twigs' that something is up and Donna fesses up that she really loves KY and as such can't marry Gary. Bob is a bit confused, as are we. Garry shows up so Donna pretends all is well and she was just upset about the rank wedding dress Viv wants her to wear or something.

Val is still ripping off all and sundry to pay off the bailiffs. TOGIV sees some CCTV footage of Patrick wanking furiously into a antique terracotta vase; he winds it on and sees Val acting suspiciously. He confronts her and she admits stealing money. TOGIV is annoyed that he and Thingy have been blamed and orders Val to confess. She doesn't but gets pissed with Pollard instead. St Diane finds out and ends up shopping her to the cops; Val is dragged away dramatically and everyone glares at St Diane, who is all conflicted yet never workshy. Patrick grovels to TOGIVand Thingy but they are just too offended and ignore him; he ends up renaming Patrick's Antiques Parlour 'Patrick, The Only Gay In The Village and Thingy' in a bid to tempt them back. It works. Zzzzzzzz

Back to the Kings, who are all Dealing With Their Grief in different ways. Retard is behaving even more like an idiotic savant than ever, Frivolous cries and sobs all the time, Furrowed is stoic and unmoved/full of inner turmoil and Patsy offers insincere condolences to all and sundry. Except Furrowed who she ends up shagging, still without changing her facial expression. They agree to keep it 'between themselves for now' - as this is a soap I'm absolutely positive that's going to happen. Old Man King decides that the funeral will be family only and no outsiders. Friv is annoyed and says KY was really popular around the village but Old Man is insistent. Stupid hypocrite Old Man King is also determined to make Gruey pay - despite the fact that Gruey was in fact the only innocent party in the whole sorry mess. Seriously, can someone please get OMK some catarhh tablets?

Brother Beyond

My goodness, Emmerdale is like a veritable emotional rollercoaster these days! After last week's exciting antics with Loon and Dick, the focus this week is on Auton and Gruey Sugden and their everlasting feud. Auton has been trying to get into Debbeh's pants. Not because he fancies her or anything, he just wants to piss off Gruey big time. Debbeh is all detached and Catherine Tate-like at first, but she is her mother's daughter and has been gagging for a portion since her regular sessions with Gruey ended. She and Auton have endless meetings in fields and on bridges; they snog, then hold back, then snog some more, then say 'nor weh musunt' then one runs off, sends a text to the other, then they meet and snog again. It gets quite repetitive and boring after a while. In the meantime Gruey is tending to his herd and arseing about on a tractor, oblivious to all this. However, he catches Auton and Debbeh snogging by the bustop, decks Auton and then grasses him up to BritPop. BritPop goes apeshit and throws Auton about the garage until Auton convinces him it's a lie and Gruey is just making trouble. BritPop believes him and goes home to call Debbeh a slagg (again). Auton asks Debbeh to run away with him; she goes 'alright then, because it's clear you really love me after a week of texting'. They rut, and Auton smirks evilly as his Master Plan moves into Phase 2.

Meanwhile KY is getting sick to death of Old Man King throwing his weight around and dishing out gravelly-voiced orders. Like the rest of us he is also probably wondering why half his family have inexplicably vanished (except Retard, who pops up every now and then to point and laugh). KY keeps skiving off rent-collecting, horse-slashing etc and goes down t'Wooleh instead, where he flirts with Donna and bonds with Auton over rubbish families. Billy Bunter spies him propping up the bar and offers him his old job back at the vets; tears well in KY's eyes as he recalls Billy's kindness but he refuses, because he will probably end up starting a fresh foot and mouth epidemic. Auton tells KY he is leaving the village to 'go travelling' (ie move to Leeds) and invites him along; KY agrees, as he is as fed up with his annoying family as we are.

In non-Sugden-related shenanigans, Val is still trying to come up with the moular to pay off the bailiffs. They hang around the curtain-making factory totting up how much each sewing machine costs, while Val runs aimlessly around the village trying to scrounge more cash. She ends up swiping a wedge from Patrick's Antiques Parlour (would SO love Mrs Overall to make an appearance) then gets pissed on Pollard's really expensive whisky. The Only Gay In the Village is suspicious of her and keeps raising his eyebrows, Frankie Howard style, whenever he sees Val pull a shifty face (which is quite often). Patrick later finds out about the theft and blames TOGIV and Thingy, who are outraged to find their wages docked. St Diane pulls pints in a firm yet kindly manner and also looks suspiciously at Val. Val is so busted.

Doughn is Getting On With Her Life, now that Dick Van Dyke is rotting in jail. Kelly swishes her straw-like hair extensions and makes a few bitchy comments but Doughn stands tough, and later flirts with Thingy. Over in the B and B, Lorraine Chase is doing a fine job of running the place until Tel sticks his oar in and double books - cue not very funny scenes with geeky wsci-fi lovers (one of the women actually looks like an alien) and a load of french tourists flapping about. All this is basically setting the scene for a sex and killing spree (probably) involving Lorraine and Dr Bland. I wonder if they will follow the Natural Born Killers route and have Lorraine shagging and then killing a petrol station attendant, dolled up in goth fishnet like Juliette Lewis.

Up at the Dingle residence, Spackette Dingle is feeling queasy and Spack flaps around gurning and being generally useless. Spackette visits Dr Bland who tells her she is anaemic and needs to eat more iron. The Dingles try and help by making her drink Guiness and eat raw liver. After the following day's episode an announcer points out that this isn't actually a recommended diet for pregnant women so please don't try and sue the programme makers.

Back to the Sugden Set-To. Gruey intercepts Debbeh and Suruh going to meet Auton. He snatches Suruh and says he's not letting Debbeh take her. Debbeh runs after him screaming but Gruey phones the Dingles and dobs her in to Emily. Gruey is such a tell-tale tit. Emily rushes over and has a go at Debbeh for being a rubbish mother. Shut up Emily, try having your own kids rather than nicking everyone else's. In the end, Debbeh says she's going anyway and gets a lift with Gruey to meet Auton (?). Auton and KY have been waiting for about an hour, just to really build up the tension. KY doesn't understand why Debbeh is coming along. Auton tries to look evil but just looks about 12 instead.

Gruey and Debbeh arrive. Gruey punches Auton in the face again, and for the rest of the episode he has a bloody mouth that makes him look like he is wearing lipstick because the fake blood is too bright. The two exchange insults then Auton tells Debbeh he isn't interested in her without Suruh as he just wanted Gruey to be left all alone with his sheep. Debbeh runs off as Gruey and Auton fight and KY tries ineffectually to break them up. Eventually Robert goes off in a huff - with his lippy and messed up hair he looks a bit like Eddie Izzard now. KY gets Gruey to give him a lift to the station whilst going on about how awful the Sugdens are. Pot, Kettle KY? Auton is waiting for them in his car, revving the engine psychotically (ha!). He drives at Gruey and KY's van, they swerve to miss and the van flies off the road. Auton comes to his senses and helps Gruey out of the upside down van but it explodes before they can get to KY.

OldSkool Sugden arrives, after being stuck behind some sheep, and finds out the whole sorry story. He rings the police and tells Auton to do one. Auton and Gruey sort of make up, and OldSkool tells Auton he doesn't hate him and to stay in touch. Whilst all this is going on no-one even ATTEMPTS to help KY who ends up burning to death. The police arrive and OldSkool blames the crash on sheep in the road; the police don't question this so it's obviously a regular occurrence around there. The police then break the news to Old Man King and Retard. Old Man King goes into ranty disbelief; Retard's reaction to his younger brother dying an agonising death is to raise his eyebrows and go 'oh ok then'. Old Man King wants to see the body, the police tell him it's in bits and looks like a kebab. Old Man breaks down (in a very gravelly way). Retard hangs about looking gormless.

Cut to Auton, who is in a Julie's Pantry somewhere buying a cornish pasty. He is supposed to look like he has been crying, but once again the make-up department fail him as he just looks like he has been squirted with a hose.

Burning Down The House

Well, it's been quite a week for loony lezzer Zoe Tate, which provides an exciting first blog update for me! Anyway, we start with Loon's dog dying - honestly, as if she didn't have enough to contend with. The dog is apparently called Peggy; in the several years I've been watching E'dale I've never known that. Is it a snide reference to Barbara Windsor? Anyway, after about a minute of crying Callum The Gamekeeper appears, slings the carcus over his shoulder and dumps it in the river while Loon frets yet again about 'whether she is doing the right thing' by scarpering instead of appearing in court charged with MURDER. Callum, still picturing Loon breastfeeding him while he is dressed as a giant baby, assures her she is then goes off for a wank. The Nanny appears and she and Loon go and lez up on the half-packed suitcases.

Meanwhile in the King residence, King the Younger is still feeling guilty for his cow mass-murder spree, Old Man King (whose voice box seems to be disintegrating) is unsympathetic and tells him to put up and shut up. KY goes to the pub and gets hammered on one bottle of lager. Retard King hangs about being useless as usual. Old Man King reveals a massive new 50s-style placard advertising their new housing estate; there is an airbrushed picture of him and Patsy on it, doing a brilliant C&A style pose. Retard is annoyed. KY later returns, really out of it like, and lobs a bottle at Patsy's head (on the billboard sadly). It leaves a brown stain around her mouth - no further comment necessary.

Patsy's botox has worn off, and now she is capable of more than one facial expression decides she wants to do a bit of acting. She is all mysterious and evasive around Old Man King, and when he says his final wish is to get his hands on Home Farm she puts a hand on his shoulder, says 'well you never know' then turns and gives a massive thumbs up to the camera (not really). She bumps into Patrick Mower, who is gloating about getting his mits on Zoe's manor (not a metaphor). Patsy is all 'did you know it's got mould/the roof is caving in/ it's haunted' etc. Patrick looks worried and Makes An Important Phonecall.

Loon is now ready to go. Callum has got her some fake ID from the FHM classifieds so there is nothing to stop her. She gives Home Farm the V sign then gets into a car with Joseph, leaving Jean behind with Nanny who is 'meeting them later'. Can't fathom why she left Jean behind but anyway.. They get to the coast, Callum buggers off and Loon and Joseph get on a small boat captained by a nautical stereotype. Cue lots of shots of Loon at sea looking smug, as she leaves all her troubles behind. They arrive in Scotland? Ireland? Somewhere hilly anyway. Loon and Joseph hang about the port waiting for Nanny and Jean to arrive on a seaplane (wtf?). The plane eventually arrives, the door opens, there is a close-up of some rank pink shoes and..gasp…Patsy steps out!!

Loon: "Wha????" Patsy: "You are so punked, bitch. Patrick's stalling, so sign over Home Farm or leave without your daughter and get grassed up as well." Loon: "I don't understand". Patsy: "Your gay-for-pay Nanny fucked you over big stylee." It actually goes on for almost a whole episode but this is the general jist (I've got a whole week to cover remember). Patsy gets some good lines (she calls the sailor guy Captain Pugwash) and Loon is all appalled yet dignified. She ends up signing and goes back with Patsy to Home Farm. Jean is there with Nanny; Nanny mumbles an apology of sorts but Loon does a good impersonation of Carrie White then, when Nanny's head doesn't explode, smacks her one. Nanny runs off to wait for Patsy outside, Patsy appears, chucks some loose change at Nanny and tells her to do one. Nanny, who was expecting ten grand, is distraught - not least because her part in E'dale is over, I imagine.

Loon goes to court; she walks past Viv, Doughn, Kelly and Dick Van Dyke who shout the usual insults at her (Murderer! Lezzer! Fish face!). Things don't go well to start with, as all the medical and police evidence suggests Loon was actually trying to kill Scott, which she was. Viv, Betty and Val act like a Greek Chorus, loudly commenting on procedings (turns out Betty and Val have a bet on). Loon does absolutely shitloads of mad, stary-eyed faces. First day over - Loon is bricking it and reliant on Billy Bunter's testimony to save her. Dick is also aware of this and goes round to Billy's house and duffs him up, threatening him with a punish-fuck if Loon doesn't go down.

Next day, Loon is preparing for her final day in court. She bumps into Zack and Spack Dingle, and tells them to help themselves to all the game on the land as she is, like, bothered. Callum is busy being a mysterious electrician in the background as Loon dumps Jean and Joseph on LurveGod. What could Loon be planning?? Anyway, outside court Billy and Emily Bunter are discussing the pros and cons of lying. Emily says lying is bad, but only the person lying knows whether it is the right thing to do. Billy: Well, thanks for that. In court, Billy is called to the stand and, instead of purgering himself, distracts the jury by telling them about Dick's threats. Dick loses it, starts threatening Billy, Loon, the Judge and everyone else. He says Loon was asking for it re: the attempted rape that made her try and kill him. Everyone is shocked. The judge dismisses the case, Loon is ecstatic, moons at Viv (not really) and then skips out of the courtroom to freedom! Dick carries on acting like a twat and storms off; Betty and Val comment in a orgy of multiregional accents.

Up at Home Farm, Loon and Callum are finishing packing and talk in metaphors about the surprise they are leaving behind for the Kings (who have been lauding it over Patrick re: buying the place btw). Suddenly Dick arrives with a shot gun and threatens to kill absolutely everyone, including Jean who he keeps going on about loving. Viv and Doughn arrive and try and calm him down, and Loon tries to telekenetically lift the gun from Dick's hands and shoot him with it. It doesn't work. Dick shouts at Viv and Doughn and spittle flies everywhere, but eventually gives them the gun and strops off. Loon FINALLY leaves with Callum and the kids; she passes the Kings on the way out who make a few jibes at her. She stops the car and watches as Home Farm blows up. Heh, nice one Loon. Unfortunately it doesn't kill any Kings in the process (Patsy is off doing A Bear's Tail or something so she escapes justice too). Loon goes to New Zealand, whereas back in the village Dick decks Billy (again) and Doughn, and ends up getting arrested and sent down for four months. By this point not even Viv cares and the respite from his appalling accent is welcome.